Listening

Autism is the mother of so much heartache in people’s lives for the wrong reasons. Autism is not a wrong way of being, it’s different, and in some ways superior to typical.

Autism gives me an outlook on life that is unique, somewhat due to the fact that I am not constantly talking in response to everything going on. Most people are rather obsessed with themselves and their own opinions, and lack listening skills. A cacophony of talking accompanies most every gathering. Somehow, constant prattling on is comforting to neurotypicals. They conceal their inner insecurities by never allowing a break in conversation.

Meanwhile, because autism apraxia doesn’t allow me to speak, I can listen to all and carefully consider all perspectives. This gives me a great advantage in life, I believe. There is not the expectation on me to come up with the right responses immediately. So, I am able to take time to assimilate what I learn through listening. This is by far the best way for me to learn.

Autism really is a pleasant listening life. There is so much richness to being a captive audience to the eminent orchestra of life all around me.

20160218_184855

Me on my laptop listening to music.

Autism and emotions

Autism emotional regulation is totally hard for me. I hasten to get overly upset about a lot of things that I know aren’t a big deal, but my emotions get control of me and then I lose control of my body. When that happens I get destructive and lash out. I have broken so many things; TVs, computers, shower heads, windows, couches and chairs, beds, walls, and so very many toys. I often also hit my head and pinch myself. It’s not pretty. I know full well that I shouldn’t do it but my emotions rule me in in that moment of meltdown.

Autism has been a lot like being The Hulk at times.

image

Roller coaster emotions can seem to take a life of their own. I try hard to be even keeled and it takes a ton of energy to do it. Sometimes it takes all the energy I have. I can’t seem to make some people understand this about me. I promise you I don’t melt down because I want to, or because it’s going to have a good outcome for me. I think that notion is purely ridiculously assumed by others that don’t get it. Poorly aligned neurons that make connections between emotional and coping parts of the brain are the culprit. My brain will hopefully mature in the emotional realm over time, but right now it’s not there.

I need to try to avoid things that are emotionally taxing for me. This is utterly not me trying to get out of doing things! Sometimes it’s not apparent to others what the taxing things are to me, and that makes it hard for everyone. For example; Mom didn’t realize that listening to NPR news in the car was emotionally taxing to the max for me. I can’t process all that killing and evil, it’s too autism overwhelming. Ever since I asked her to turn it off it’s been much better. I still have a lot of emotional problems that plague me though. I think many autistic people do.

Take time to consider if the autistic person in your life might be emotionally overwhelmed too.

image

Me walking in the forest calmly

Care givers

So much injustice reigns over the disabled, and the privileged shirk their responsibilities instead of being loving to their fellow man.

Ordinary man is charged with taking care of others as the most noble of pursuits, but the work of care giving is probably the most belittled work there is. Someone making their life’s work caring for even one person is doing God’s most important work, totally. But, these dedicated people get little to no support and their pay is no more than a pittance of soot. Morale in these jobs is low and lonely, but they are so vitally important and so loved by those whom they steadfastly serve and help. Sometimes they get no breaks and no time to themselves.

Moms in particular have so much on their plates and can be so maligned just for having kids, and especially special needs kids, and can be said to be doing nothing when they don’t work outside the home. This attitude says a lot about what our society values and devalues.

People need loving care and to have bonds of trust. Kids like me and others with intense needs, arrestingly require another person’s support. That is not a bad, or sad, or burdensome thing, and we don’t need to feel bad about our state of humanness and what we need. We have as much right to exist and to be loved and supported as typicals. So it alarms me when I see that being a care giver has so little respect and support. These people are the backbone of society and are vital to the health and survival of legions of humans. They deserve our utmost respect and our tangible support for the work that they do.

I love my care giver mom and want her and all moms and carers to have the support and respect they so deserve. We are truly out to sea without them.

Spring thoughts

Spring awakens senses to all creation.

Autistic mind elaborates sounds of birds calling out to the creator, “we are made to beautify the world with life!”

All things play to the orchestra of creation singing, “awake! All things are made new!”

Even living aligned to neurological normalcy you will someday pass away. Autism spring dons appreciation on all life and lives.

Birds aren’t small to God, He sees each fluffy fat one with affection. How much more does He love autism me and autism you?

Esteem life to highest regards; we all can be made new in spring.

image

Shoveling last of snow from my yard.

Love, Autism Henry

Non Verbal Autism

All people communicate but not everyone talks. Some people talk a little but not conversationally. Some people say words and phrases out loud that don’t match what they really want to say.

Sometimes I use talking words but I am still very much non verbal. Saying words out loud is not always possible or accurate for me. My pronunciation of words isn’t totally clear, and I say words in different order than most people when I say them. I can very much more fully express myself using the letter board, or Proloquo2Go.

Many times I say nonsensical things like, “Larry boy!” or “Go back to green house!” and I repeat it many times for no reason. I hear myself and think, boy, I sound ridiculous; and I wish I could stop but I have no control.

When people ask me things I know exactly what I want to say, but there is an ever-present blockade between my brain and my mouth. It is extremely frustrating as you can imagine.

Especially damning are the assumptions that my intelligence is low because of my thwarted attempts to respond the way others expect; with verbal words. I can remember a time when a person said to Mom that I have a very low IQ of 40, and I wanted to scream, NO! But I couldn’t. It was horrible not to be able to defend myself.

I sincerely, altruistically, hope and pray that more autism pros like teachers and doctors will realize that autism causes major issues with getting the body to cooperate with the intentions of the brain to respond, but ability to comprehend is unaffected. This will make way for more appropriate help for autistics.

image

Long time

It’s been a long time since I posted here. Since the last time, a lot has changed.

School didn’t work out well for me, and I had time off before starting at a new school. I went there for seven days before Christmas break and I’ll go back after break. It is a very small school which is nice, and all of my classmates are autistic too. So far I have loved music therapy and gym, but the rest has been a hard adjustment. I get very consumed with anxiety and upset and do things I shouldn’t like pull the fire alarm. I know I shouldn’t do it but my impulse to do it is so strong that I’m powerless to stop myself; someone else has to stop me. I’m hoping that as time goes on I will be less alarmed at school and will do well there.

In retrospect, I think a school like this would have been good for me years ago; they have a totally different set up that is more aligned to the needs of autism. There are great things like music therapy and bikes we can ride in the hall after lunch. It’s also eminent awesome that there are different ways offered to communicate with teachers like iPad apps and keyboards to type on, and pictures too.  One more great thing for me is that I don’t feel conspicuous doing normal autistic moves and vocals like flapping hands and moaning, because it’s normal there among us autistic kids.

I hope this school turns out to be the right school for me, and that I can align autism to calm daily for ultimate success. I hope you can pray for me that it works out.

Love, Autism Henry

image

Christmas I got Blokus an awesome game

Back again

Sorry that I haven’t blogged in awhile, I have been acclimating to my freshman year of high school. I have had some hard times and some good times. I was getting very anxious and upset in some of the regular ed classes I was in. Autism found it hard to deal with the expectations to stay quiet and sit still. I didn’t want to disturb anyone and felt eminent conspicuous. Faced with that as a daily prospect I was getting anxiety very badly. Also I couldn’t concentrate well enough to do work consistently using RPM. So, now I am getting the same regular ed curriculum but in small special ed classes. This is working out great so far. I also got my lunch switched so I can eat with my kindred autistic friends Alec and Anthony. This helps me so much not to feel alone at school.

There have been a lot of good people along the way helping me to do my best. My case manager is totally, radically awesome, and aligned with autistic ways and quirks. My aide is wicked awesome and so nice to me. We always like the same country songs too.

I hope I can soon extend my school day to be as long as everyone else. I’m only going for four hours right now, but there is so much more I want to do and learn. This is the first year I am taking an actual math class. Before I was doing functional math that bored me to death. No one realized I could do math because I had no way to show what I know until I had RPM. Now I’m in algebra and I totally love it. I want to teach math someday. I also love world history and can’t wait to do more units.

Autism challenges can be hard, but with out of the box solutions like movement breaks and schedule accommodations, autism can be successful at school. Autistics being part of the school community is important because autistic people are everywhere out in real life.

image

These are my red headphones. I wear them to muffle eminent noise that taxes autism sensory system. Very useful at school.

~ Henry